my way

when we were done
and i mean really done
i thought i was done
during 4 years i lost my way
the aftermath left me a broken woman
but i still let you have two more years of my life
i couldn't find my way without you
i was never enough
and didn't think that anyone would think that i was enough either
i thought i was on my way
when i removed myself from your shadow
but then like a flash
something happened
and i was pushed back into your shadow
and i began to feel like i was damaged goods
untouchable and unreachable
but i removed that grey cloud from over my head
and found my way

favorite bad habit pt. III

it finds me in my sleep

creeps into my dreams

i know just standing in the room with it

makes me want more

and sometimes waiting it out

has me climbing the walls

i try to go with out it

tell myself that i won't go looking for it

i try and wait for it to find me

i crave it at night

and in the middle of the day

something new has to be there

that will do my body just as good

but i've got it bad

i just pray

that i can get it out of my system

amnesia

sometimes i wish i had amnesia
if i had amnesia i wouldn't be up
at 4:30 in the morning
because i'm unable to face
what awaits me in my dreams
if i had amnesia
i think i wouldn't be so hard
i wouldn't wait for the other shoe to drop
and already have a plan to mend
my not yet broken heart
amnesia would allow me to forget
and i wouldn't have to work so hard
to make sure that the next one
doesn't have to carry what the last one did
amnesia would eliminate all of my secrets
and remove what demons may remain
i wouldn't wake up some days feeling like
wreckage from a crime scene
if i had amnesia
i wouldn't end things before they start
write the conclusion before i even get to the plot
if i had amnesia
i'd be able forget that time i became green envy
and got scared because i became someone that i didn't recognize
i could pretend that i don't think about you everyday
and pink cashmere wouldn't leave me wishing
that you could read my mind
because it would make things
so much easier to get said
i could ignore why i feel like
i am breaking my own heart
by letting it fall for the unattainable
a detox from my favorite bad habit wouldn't be necessary
i would stop trying to find a cure for this feeling of like
and quit auditioning replacements
i could continue to pretend
that i am cool with the way things are
without lying to myself
if i only had amnesia...

covering all bases

i get tired of being questioned

and challenged for MY choices

i may not be very old

but i have some ways that are very set

see i've been to the rodeo once before

and i know how the ride can go

i've had bumps and bruises

and even left when some parting gifts

but i can't pretend that i am okay with doing

with what i did before

i admittedly have days when i walk around

with a smile plastered on my face

when all i really want to do is find a corner and cry

but in the end i know what i am doing is for the best

because there won't be a next time

no fingers to point

and no blame to place

i am stopping the car before we get started

i am not waiting for us to get lost

or break down and run out of gas

i am calling you out before you even put your foot on the peddle

so please don't get offended by the words that i say

i just call it protecting my heart

and saving myself from another heartbreak

so do me a favor and don't fill the air

with fairy tales, fantasies, and what could be's

just keep it 100 and lay it out on the table

because i know that as strong as i seem

recovery the second time around won't be so easy

i'm just covering all my bases

you know?

to the end

reality,
though as light as a feather
hit me as a hard as a brick
i know what is
and how it's going to be,
but i am still not ready to end my run yet
sometimes i sit back and just laugh
and think
maybe i like the torture
or maybe i like putting my heart through pain
or maybe it's the uncertainly of things
that drives me
because it means that things can end up either way
some think that i am crazy
and that i have lost my mind
that i am have placed too many chips on the table
and that i am playing with a losing hand
but i know that
throwing in the towel now would be way too easy for me
i'm going to see this fight through
all the way to the end
and continue to hope for the best
and pray that i haven't been wasting my time...

skin deep

beauty is only skin deep

so they say

but i live with that thought everyday

given a name that comes with

more responsibility

than i think i am ready for

my heart can be cold

and my mind can be closed

i am more than what people perceive

the pressure to live for them

is sometimes more than i can bare

i can be mean

i have been hurt and i have hurt

i have stepped on and stepped over people

i am so far from where i was

but still far from where i want to be

i have been a doormat but i am guilty of

cleaning my shoes on other people's shirts

i try not care

in fear of caring too much

i build up walls behind my eyes

in hopes that i won't be exposed

beauty is only skin deep

what most believe me to be is 3 feet

but the real me

doesn't have an ocean floor

dunzo.

i am done with trying to figure all of this out

done with trying to make sense of this thing

i'm going to work my hardest to put logical me on the back burner

so that i can stop trying to for see the future

i can't tell you where this is going

i can't promise you that i'll be there waiting at the finish line

i'm done looking in crystal balls

take it from me the picture is always foggy

i don't know what this means exactly

but i am done being a back seat driver

i'm hopping in my own ride

with a blind fold on

i thought i knew what i wanted and what it was going to be

i kept pushing ahead

despite what was right in front of me

i'm just going to close my eyes and jump

and pray for a soft landing.

all i have

all i have are no expectations from you/no reason to set myself up for disappointments/no reason to get hurt/just a free pass to live numb less in a lively world/no reason to think beyond today/no reason to plan for tomorrow/all i have is what i am left with/no expectations from you/no reason to be upset/no reason to care/all i have is the sad fact that i have to live this way/to block myself from my feelings/all i have and all i have guaranteed are no expectations...