nothing even matters

Sometimes I wish that you would just go away
And leave me alone to deal with emptiness
That your absence would bring
But at least then
I would know where I stood
And would no longer have to wonder
How long it will be before
The novelty of me wears off
You are stronger than me
I am too weak to say good bye
But I know that I don’t want you to leave
I see you in my dreams
Think about you everyday
And want to create memories with you
I’ve been feeling lost these past few months
Not sure of where I am going
Or where I want to be
But one thing remained
Constant
Even when I wasn’t feeling like myself
Or even when I could not
Remember who I was
My heart did not change
Even when he returned to claim his spot back
He didn’t matter
And the other
He doesn’t matter
Time won’t matter
My butterflies still whisper your name

ready.

I thought that I knew what I wanted
But it turned out that It wasn’t ready for me
It got trampled on a forgotten
And left on a bench
So I put it away
Locked it out of sight
In hopes that one day
I’d be able to bring it back out again
I thought I knew what I wanted
But It turned out that it wasn’t ready for me
It was given attention for a little bit
And made to feel special
But then the novelty wore off
So it sat waiting for promises to be fulfilled
And for actions to back up words
So I put it away
Locked it out of sight
I thought I knew what I wanted
But knew that it wasn’t ready for me
I ignored its touch
And its gentle voice
Disregarded its patience
And persistence
Forgot its name
Walked pass its attention
I thought I knew what I wanted
And it just might be
That I’m not ready

what i do sometimes

1. Make something small really big and down play the big stuff
2. I pretend like my solitude is what I hold most dear, when I hug is what I need
3. I act like you are less than you really are, while I wonder why I haven’t heard from you this week
4. Trick myself into thinking that I am in control when I live by the clock
5. Push down what is trying to escape from my heart through my mouth
6. I say that I am living just for me, but I am constantly making lists of my mistakes
7. Make believe that my past plays no role in my present, when it really does
8. Tell myself that I can do without you, but I replay every conversation and stolen moment over and over in my head
9. Hope that you won’t read my blog, but secretly wish that you will
10. Push the snooze button twice, so that I can hold on to you a little while longer