the other shoe

so the other shoe finally dropped

i knew that it was going to happen eventually

and now that it has

my heart has fallen with it

i knew what this was ahead of time

i knew my role and what was expected of me

i just didn't expect it to turn into this

i was trying to have fun, make some new friends, and do me

but i got caught up

and now i have to decide

what am i going to do

continue on this journey despite

the caution signs blocking my path

or bow out gracefully while i still have some of my face left

this most definitely isn't a love thing

that word doesn't exist in my vocabulary that much anymore

i'm not heart broken, but i am filled with disappointment

it's more of a possibilities thing

you made me become a fan of the what could be

i thought i knew what i was getting myself into

i never stopped to think that this time would be any different from the others

i am angry, mad at myself

how did i get here?

i should have known better

than to put it all out there

i should have protected my heart better

and took better care of my body

i should have worked harder at keeping my emotions in check

there is still so much that i have to share

things about me that people don't know

would never think about me

but now

i am unsure of myself, my thoughts, and my feelings

should i continue to expose my desires, secrets, and demons

do you even want to know?

i am growing weary of this hurry up an wait chase that we have going on here

you weren't full time, but do i still want to keep you employed in your position,

when things don't match up and i am often left

more confused than when i started?

i was afraid of this

i knew that the moment i opened that gate i was going to catch it

i know that this is the chance that you take, but i thought i knew

released from almost four years of numbness and this is the result

a parting gift of nice try and better luck next time

this is exactly why i closed myself off all those years ago

maybe it would be best if i returned to my world of numbness

and zippless affairs

but despite all of this i still live in the moment

of every conversation and missed minute

i don't want to let go yet...

now what?

maybe i made it all up/i do have a tendency to get ahead of myself sometimes/but this part time, distant, sometime thing was starting to get to me/but now things are upside down/ words don't match actions, words don't match other words, and actions don't reflect other actions/so now i am stuck at crossroads/ and i am left with the question: now what?/ do i stick around and let this thing play out?/ in hopes that things turn out right on the other end?/ should i let optimism out weigh my realism/or do i cash out right now, taking what it was with me/in hopes that i can quickly get over yet another disappointment/do i want to use this experience to become zipless?/ my heart has hardened because of selfishness, inconsistency, and uncertainty/can i march on knowing that i am tired of putting myself out there only to get let down in the end?/ my soul is tired and my heart is weak from this never ending race/i feel like i am running backwards/ constantly unable to get to the finish line/ so now what?

my favorite bad habit pt. II

I should have stopped

When I saw that I was getting in too deep
Before you became my favorite bad habit
I try to go without it for a day
No contact what so ever
But blue magic always call me
Or my need for it over takes my mind
And I seek it out
Trying to get my fix for the day
My favorite bad habit
Leaves me feening, wanting, lusting
Desiring something more…

Longing for one more taste

One more whiff

Of blue magic.

Blue Magic

Blue magic makes me feel so good

From the top of my head

Down to the balls of my feet

All the way through my finger tips

Some days I feel like I need to quit cold turkey

And make a clean break

But then I remember how good it feels

Just to know that it's around

Blue magic is

My favorite bad habit

I sit and wait for any sign of its presence

I don't need to have it everyday

I just need to know that it's there

Ready when I need it

Just the thought of it

And my judgement waivers

Blue magic feeds my mind

As well as satisfies my body

It makes me shiver and quiver

And beg for more

Blue magic...

what to do...

This whole thing is crazy
Told my self that I would not be back here again
Energy on the unsure
I’m trying to escape
But I feel like I am running in quick sand

Secretly knowing that I don't want it to end
What am I to do?
The more I plan to push back
The more I feel pulled in
Wearing the armor of silence
Hoping that it will make it all go away
While wishing that I had the courage to lay it all on the table
Instead of hiding behind my pen
And allowing it to speak for me

i do it to myself...

Sometimes in life the last person you want to listen to is yourself
I am my own worst enemy and my biggest critic
I predict a flood before the storm even happens
I let put on blinders even though the evidence is right in front me
I set goals, but remain indecisive
I cover my fear with ice
To try to ward off the damage
My head knows what I should do
But I sometimes fall victim to my heart
I continue to put my hand on a hot stove
Hoping that maybe the heat would have cooled down a little

so what should i say?

Should I say
That my mouth says many things
But my heart holds the truth
Should I say
That I am constantly reaching out to grab hold of something solid
Because I feel myself slipping
And that I am afraid of what will follow…
A hard fall
Should I say
That I don’t like feeling like I am not in control
And that I sometimes long to be the ice princess again
Uncaring, unmoved, and just numb
Should I say
That I wish that I was as courageous as I came off
Should I say that despite the good and that bad that might await me
That I have no regrets?
What should I say?
What could I say?
That would make things clearer
That would make decisions easier
And that would make the ending results better...

favorite bad habit

I sit up and wait for it

My favorite bad habit
Midnight, five in the morning, or three in the afternoon
I can still remember the first time that I got a wiff of you
You left me dizzy
I just have to have a taste
I break out in late night sweats
At the thought if you

My favorite bad habit

I gotta get my fix

Anyway possible

Lick my lips

Longing for a little taste
You are one bad habit
That leaves me feeling so good
I know I need to get to rehab
Before my want for you
Becomes a need
I try to find replacements
For my addiction
But I only find a temporary satisfaction
And fade to back to black
And wait for another hit
Of you…