what can i say

What can I say?

Some may call it destiny

And say that it was meant to be

Maybe its karma

For the way that I used to be

But it is what is

And I like it

I love the last man standing

the return....

I’ve been away
I’ve had so much to say
But so little that I’ve wanted to share
All at the same time
Left with more questions
Than answers….
But I’m back
With renewed strength and confidence

ELNORTSA

“…my presence is a present…” --- Kanye “Monster”

I’ve been trying to treat my presence like a present
Cherish it
Because I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring
But my past
Has slowly crept up on me
Things that I am contemplating
Revisiting
Things that I used to have the
“Been there done that”
Mentality about
Things…people….
Who I’ve thought had had their chance
…their season
That I’d grieved over, mourned over, buried, and let go

Things that I thought

I no longer wanted

Sigh

RANT

Why do people give me such a hard time
When they ask me how I am doing
And I respond “fine” or “okay”?
They give me
“Oh, it has to be more than that!!”
Umm not really
Sometimes that’s all it is
Nothing more, nothing less
It is possible for a person to just be feeling
Mediocre
Or when people ask me how I am feeling
And I ask them if they REALLY was to know
They say yes
And I respond “Fat”
They look at me strangely and say
“You aren’t fat!”
I thought that they just asked me how I was FEELING
Not what I was literally
Or when people say
“I haven’t heard from you in a while”
Well, I haven’t heard from you either,
Last time I checked the phone/computer works both ways
Or when a person says “you aren’t talking”
Could it possibly that I have nothing to say?
There are more than enough people in the world spitting out absolute nonsense
I’d rather not contribute to the world’s noise pollution
Or when a person…okay a MAN
Expresses himself, says what he’s gonna do, where his head is and blah blah blah
And then when you don’t respond or just simply say "cool"
They question your response and/or lack of response
Really?!
What is my response supposed to do besides start an unnecessary argument?
Because it certainly isn’t going to change their mind
OR when people question why I don’t have a relationship status on facebook
The people who need to know my status know and if you want to know just ask
Who I spend my non-facebook time with is not the world’s business
Ya dig?
People sometimes….
I tell you!

doesn't matter

I used to want to go toe to toe with you
Line for line
Word for word
Plead my case
Express my feelings
Put it all on the table
Over and over gain
Until you could see
Why I was so passionate about it
But now I just ask myself
Why do I even bother?
My crying, screaming, and pleading
Aren’t going to change your mind
You are not going to wake up and see things through my eyes
All of a sudden
I’m not going to waste my breath
Begging you to go along with my plan
Maybe there is a part of me that has given up
Maybe there is a part of me that finally realizes,
That it is what it is
Maybe there is a part of me that no longer cares
Maybe there is a part of me that knows,
That not matter what,
You are going to do what you want to do
No matter what I say or how I feel
Maybe there is a part of me knows that
It really is your world
And I am just another character in the play of your life
Maybe I finally see that everything
Is based on your time, wants, and needs
Who knows?
All I know is that really and truly
My opinion…
Doesn’t matter

task at hand

….just trying to hold on to myself these days…

fork in the road

I have never been so uncertain about things in my life
A journey started in 2007 could soon be over and my next steps are up in the air
Where I want to be and how I want to get to do what I want to do…
I have not a clue
Things that I want…
Even the ones that are within my grasp
I am not sure that I can have
…will ever have
Things that I let go of
Thought that I had left in the past
And no longer wanted
I wonder if they have a place in my present or my future
Sometimes I feel like I know everything and nothing at the same time

1 day

One day
I’m gonna get this thing right
One day
I’m gonna erase all doubt
One day
Promises are going to kept
One day
I’ll stop second guessing
One day
I won’t regret believing them
One day
My expectations will be met
One day
When they say that all they have is their word
They’ll actually mean it
One day
They'll care
One day
My glass is going to be
Half full
One day

Sleepless Slumber

I used to say
Let me run to my sleep
Because at least there
My mind would be totally free
But some how
You have crept your way
Into my bed at night
Removing you from my dreams
Seems to be impossible
Please I beg of you
You can have my heart
But leave my mind alone

alice

I am too big to fit through the door

too small to reach the key on the table

the cat won't stop changing its mind

and the caterpillar won't stop

giving me unsolicited advice

the queen wants her roses painted red

but i only have white paint

and the hatter doesn't take me seriously

sometimes i think

that there is no way

to escape

this rabbit hole

snow white

I could say thank you for waking me up, but on days like this…I really wish that you would have just left me alone with that apple.

Y.O.U.

Blood boiling
Heart racing
Skin blazing
And all I can see is
You
Mouth watering
Body longing
Queenie throbbing
And all I crave is
You
Mind working
Dreams forming
Patience shortening
And all that I want is
You
Heart full
Arms empty
Soul peaceful
And all that I need is
You

a.m. thoughts

I am most definitely
Double fisting it this morning
A night of literally no sleep
Calls for reinforcements
Up all night tossing
And turning
Head and heart
Filled
Actually
Head and heart
Overflowing
Wondering, hoping, thinking, wishing
Praying
That all of this
Is just the foundation
To something more
Leading to something bigger
A future
Together
Trying to figure out
How to say
I know you gotta alotta shit going on right now
But I’on care
I just want to be with you
Be yours, hold your hand through this
Whatever this
May turn out to be
Not sure if
I can handle the alternative
I am too deep in it now
Too late to make my escape
Done running
Sitting and waiting
READY
Trying to figure out
What’s taking so long?
Patience is not one of my strong suits
It all seems so simple
You say you want me
And I know
That I want you
And
Everything that comes with you
You have me where
You’ve always wanted me

welcome home life

The thing about real life is
That it most often hits you
Unexpectedly
It stays away for so long that
When it appears
You automatically go into
Panic mode
Almost like you forgot how to function
You knew it was coming
Staring at you from the wings
And now that it is
Here
All you can do
It breathe into a
Paper bag
And face the music

unremember

I remember….
I shared something with you
That I kept so sacred
Close to my heart
Held on to like it was
Gold
But you made me feel
Safe
I knew it would be
Okay
For me to share it with you
I thought that I was
Special
But then
You and me
Became he and she
And they
Then you didn’t
Know me
And what we had
Shared
I felt forgotten
Ignored
And kept away
Embarrassed, hurt, humiliated
Disregarded
One of many
And I thought
That you forgot
You and me
So to you
I turned cold blooded
To hide
The pain, sadness, and my stupidity
I did everything that I could
To forget you
To forget
You and me
To unremember

ESCAPE

Sometimes there is nothing more that I want to do
Than escape
Escape from a job that is turning my brain into mush
Escape from school because it is holding me hostage
Escape from my mother’s four walls that I am much too large for
Escape from this city that limits me
Escape from my family that is sometimes forgets my role
Escape from my past that sometimes haunts me,
From my present that is never satisfied,
And from a future that seems like it will never get here
Escape from my body that is imperfect
Escape from my mind that over thinks everything
Escape from my heart that never listens to me
Escape from time because there is never enough
Escape from responsibility because I can’t live up to everyone’s expectations
Escape from plans because they stress me out
Escape from my life that sometimes feels like it is draining me…
of EVERYTHING
But alas I am stuck
With nowhere to run

wishes

I wish that i had you all to myself
Jump in front of the line
Of the world
And make you all mine
I wouldn’t tell anyone where we were
I would tell all problems that we’ve
Gone on a holiday
I wish I could stare at you
Study you and take in your scent
So that It would always be engraved in my memory
I wish that I could feel your chest vibrate
When you laugh
And see your eyes smile
I wish that you could hold me
And never let go
I wish that you could see
Directly into my heart
And find all of things
That I want to say
But can’t find the words to…

again

//And I will give you all I have/'Cause you gave me peace and joy again/Again, again/I was scared to let go and trust your love/After what I've been through I have had enough/Whisperin' through your eyes, you never said a word/But something said you're heart's safe/For me I've struggled all my life/To find that thing that makes it right/With you it seems I may have found/Some other kind of love//

Again by: J-Lo

never my turn

Jealousy lives within me
I have no problem admitting that
But I’ve never been the type to
Be jealous over tangible things
I’ve might have seen something
That someone else has
And thought to myself
Wow, that’s nice
But I’ve never lost sleep over it
I get jealous
Over my heart
I wonder why them and not me
I get jealous when I know
For a fact that
The other person is not half
Or even the quarter the woman that I am
I get jealous even after their done with them
But they still have left their mark
I get jealous when I think about what she had
And what she did not appreciate
Or know how to keep
I get jealous because I know
Had it been me
Things would have ended up differently for you
I get jealous because I think
That she’ll always have you in a way that
I won’t be able to…

all up in her feelings

Sometimes…
I hate these feelings
Because I feel that
They control me
More than I control them
But I admittedly I have missed them
They bring a sense of
Naiveté and innocence
Back to my life
They fill my heart
And make me feel like
Dreams really are possible
They make me confess
That I miss what we were
And how we began
They make wonder what if…
What if we hadn’t heard
What outsiders had to say
What if we only saw each other
What if we hadn’t gone
On our separate life journeys
Would it have take us this long
To get back to step one?

return of an old friend

Old friend you are back
Again
I thought we were done
And had officially parted ways
For the last time
All those months ago
But here you are
Once again
Casting your shadow
Over my heart
Making plans without my permission

more than half way there

It’s been a while
And I feel like I have been on a serious
Journey this year
To being over
I lost myself
Found myself again
And then found something
Else
That I thought was lost to me
Forever…
I can’t wait to read
The last page of this book
I call 2010
But time is no friend of mine
But at least
I am more than half way there

sigh.

Once in awhile,

Right in the middle of an ordinary life,

Love gives us a fairy tale.

~ by Anonymous ~

2010

2010
The “even” year
Allegedly it was supposed to be everyone’s year
This is my year I’m claiming it
Was all I heard on January 1st
Five days into May
Exactly one month away from my 27th birthday
And I think that the sun finally might showing up
For my 2010
It has been a hard year
And I have been in a dark place
Unhappy, alone, claustrophobic,
trapped, confused, unattractive, lost, depressed…
That is what my 2010 has been like so far
My heart, oh goodness my heart
It has heart and ached this year
After realizing that it is not as free of him as I thought
Even after all this time
It drives me crazy
And I don’t understand why
My heart wants someone
Who does not want me the same way
Why it won’t allow me to get close to someone else
It honestly makes a me a little sad
To pretend that I am fine with being “just friends”
My life
I have no clue when it stopped being my own
And I started going through the motions
Playing a role
Doing what I had to do
So I would not have to answer questions
Waking up just so I can go back to sleep again
Some 2010 this has been
When you’re down
There is only one way to go….

tired

I’m so tired
So tired of thinking about you
Waking up with you on my mind
And closing my eyes at night
With thoughts of you there
Tired of making deals with my self
So that I won’t text you
Write about you or mention you for a day
I am so tired
Of my heart not being my own
Sigh

random...

I’ve been thinking about the most random things lately
Like how comfy your black leather couch was
Or was that pleather (hahaha)?
The current book that I am reading
Is because of you
And your obsession with him
I wish that I knew that the last time
Was THE last time
There is so much that I wanted to say
Needed to say
Even though I don’t expect the outcome to be different
Maybe I do….
There were things that were left unsaid
From my side
You never asked me to be more than me
And I never told you that I appreciated that
Random I know

Crown Royal:Jill Scott

Your hands on my hips

Pull me right back to you

I catch that thrust

Give it right back to you

You're in so deep

I'm breathin' for you

You grab my braids

Arch my back high for you

Your diesel engine

I'm squirting mad oil on

Down on the floor

Til my speakers start to boil

I flip shit

Quick slip

Hip dip

And I'm twisted

In your hands and your lips

And your tongue tricks

And you're so thick

And you're so big

And you're so

Crown Royal on ice

Crown Royal on ice

Crown Royal on ice

Crown Royal on ice

smoke & mirrors

For some reason people think
That I have my stuff together
And I hate to disappoint folks
But…
I am one mixed up individual
I hate it when people ask me
What I plan to do after I get out of school
Most of the time I make some crap up
Because I really do not know
My mind changes like the time
I don’t understand why people
Turn to me for advice
When I barely know
What the heck is going on in my own life
One step forward
Just to end up taking two steps back
And it seriously
Makes me chuckle inside
When I get complimented on the way
I handle men
Now that is the biggest joke ever
Because there is no handling going on
I would never say that I have bad taste in men
Because for the most part
The guys that I am drawn to have all been great
Except
The actual follow through process
Always seems to fall short
And I seem to be a repeat offender
Of wondering
What could I have done differently
I often wonder what people see
When they look at me
I should call myself
An illusionist
And become a great magician
Because I have mastered
A role
That I struggle with maintaining
There is a lot about me
That people
Not even the ones that I live
With don’t see
The dark days
The lowest of low days
I regret the day that I was told
By my mother
That she expects the most out of me
Because that was the day
I truly felt the weight
Of the world on my shoulders
The burden of perfection
A part of me really wants
To do something irresponsible
So I can release some of the pressure
That I place on myself
Facing me every day…
I have it ALL figured out alright…

in due time...

outkast: in due time

You just keep your faith in me
Don't act impatiently
You'll get where you need to be
In due time
Even when things are slow
Hold on and don't let go
I'll give you what I owe
In due time

Struggle is just a part of my day
Many obstacles have been placed in my way
I know the only reason that I make it through
Is because I never stop believing in you
Some people wonder why we're here in the 1st place
They can't believe because they ain't never seen your face
But even when you pray, the next day you gotta try
Can it wait for nobody to come down out the sky
You've got to realize that the world's a test
You can only do your best and let him do the rest
You've got your life, you've got your health
So quit procrastinating and push it yourself
You've got to realize that the world's a test
You can only do your best and let him do the rest
You've got your life, you've got your health
So quit procrastinating

GRAVITY

It’s something about that darn GRAVITY…

//you hold me without touch/it never takes too long/no matter what I say or do/I still feel you here ‘till the moment I’m gone/you hold me without touch/you keep me without chains//

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

life 101

Life is all about
Moving onward and moving forward
Moving beyond the present
And turning it into your past
Basically it’s about getting over things
I got over what I hope to be
The greatest and my only romantic
Heartache on my life
Because no one ever died of a broken heart
I got over my biggest romantic disappointment
Because no one ever stopped living
Because they did not get what they wanted
And now
I hope to get over
My biggest romantic regret
Because walking around
Drunk on hope
Never got anyone anywhere

Crazy for You: Adele

I Found myself today singing out loud your name.

You said I'm crazy,if I am I'm crazy for you.

Sometimes sitting in the dark wishing you were here

turns me crazy,

but it's you who makes me loose my head

And everytime I'm meant to be acting sensible

you drift into my head and turn me intoa crumbling fool.

Tell me to run and I'll race,

if you want me to stop I'll freeze.

And if you want me gone I'll leave,

just hold me closer baby.

And make me crazy for you.

Crazy for you.

Lately with this state Im in

I can't help myself but spin.

I wish you'd come over send me spinning closer to you.

My oh my, how my blood boils,

its sweetest taste for you

It strips me down bare and gets me into my favourite mood.

I keep on trying I'm fighting these feelings away,

but the more I do the crazier I turn into.

Pacing floors and opening doors hoping you'll walk through

and save me boy.

Because I'm too crazy for you.

Crazy for you.

cravings

I crave him
There is no other way to put it
No other way to say it
His touch
His taste
His HEAT
I close my eyes and my hands
Become his
I crave him
He consumes my fantasies
The thought of him
Instantly makes me
Lick my lips
Rub my lips
I crave him

love the reprise.

I’ve been thinking about love a lot lately
I’ve been in love twice
Came close to it once
I once loved an angel once who loved me back
Though briefly
And that’s when I learned how good love could feel
Also realized how much it could hurt
And knew what they meant when they said
That love was blind
My heart took a beating
But I loved him with everything that I had
Even when he made me cry
Made me question myself
He almost turned me into broken woman
I still loved him enough
To forgive him
Because he once loved me
I almost fell in love with a lonestar
There was something about him
That I just couldn't shake
He was so easy
Too easy
To this day I still wonder
What could have been
If he felt close to what I felt
I loved the idea of our potential
There was once someone who loved me
But I didn't love him back
I hurt him
Forgot him
He forgave me
And for that I am grateful
I loved someone
Who I don’t think loved me back
I was never able to tell him
Can’t tell him
How he planted his roots in me
Like a tree
And that I loved him before I knew what love was
Doubt that I will ever tell him
But if I did
I’d have to borrow a line from Sanaa
“I’ve loved you since I was 11 years old and the shit just won’t go away”
I'd let him know that he was all I needed
Nothing about him had to change
Because he is perfect as he is
That I only fight him because
I know I can't have him
I wish that I could tell him
How he slips into my dreams at night
Occupy my thoughts during day
And that he scares the crap out of me
Sigh, sometimes I wish that I did not know
What love was

hanging on too long

I have some really bad habits
Some that I know that I need to change
Like my tendency to go food shopping….
Right after working out
(sorry poor guy in the check out line next to me)
And there are some habits that I don’t see as bad
But others do
And I don’t care to change
Like my constant list making and time tracking
I have a bad habit that I know that I need to drop
In the words of Duffy
I keep “hanging on too long”
Not in the I’m going hold a grudge forever type of hanging on
But squeezing a lemon to the last drop type of hanging on
I will review an assignment until I can’t review it anymore before I turn it in
And after I turn it in I will still agonize over it
I also hang on to people sometimes pass the expiration date
For the most part I will cut ‘em loose and move on to the next one
But there are some people for the love of me I can-not-shake
I constantly tell myself: this time is the last time…if they do it one more time they’re done
But I always go back on my word of being done with them or of restricting them
However, this weekend…I finally saw the light so to speak
It is definitely time for some personnel changes in my life
VIP cards need to be snatched
Starters benched and new team members drafted
I just have to learn how to stop hanging on too long

jigga

It’s better to watch someone when they aren’t looking at you because when they are looking at you they are on their best behavior –jay z

words of wisdom from weezy

Somewhere inbetween all the mind games, lies, and seduction, I fell for you.

Somewhere inbetween all the broken promises, manipulation and heartache, i got

over you. but i guess i fibbed a few times too, Rememeber all those times i swore i

needed you? Well consider them lies cause babe, here i am without you and I

survived.

wrong type of love

I loved him
But I think that I loved him
For all the wrong reasons
I loved him because
I hoped that one day the he
Could possibly love me back
I love him because I thought
That I was at the top of the list
I loved him
Because he was far enough away
So I could pretend that I did not know
What I could not see
I love him because he knew my body
Better than he knew his own
I loved him because
I thought it could get not better than him
And that he was worth the wait
I loved him because he revived me
From a long dark slumber
I loved him because of the possibilities
I love him because he never leaves my mind
No matter how many replacements come my way
I loved him because I couldn’t have him
I hope to stop loving him

two

When hurricane season returns
It’d be 2 years
2 years since I sat in your presence
2 years since I got lost in you sent
And heard you whisper my name
2 years since I remembered what made me return to gate C over and over again
2 years since I thought about giving up sunshine for lone stars
2 years since I remembered what that feeling was
2 years
Since I got broken all over again
And wondered if it was meant for me
2 years since I wondered if I had gone too far
And if I should have jumped ship when I first saw the signs
2 years…
2 years since I felt like it could possibly could have been us 2