tired...

sometimes i just get tired
i get tired of being the one
who has to represent an entire race
while trying to represent for an entire sex
sometimes i want to pass the cape on to someone else
and ask them to defend it for me today
why can't i turn to those who look like me
to step up and take the reigns
i'm tired of looking like the one
who's taking things too seriously
by those who don't take things serious enough
the bricks on my back get heavy
as i try to educate educated people
on what seems to be common sense
shamefully i sometimes ask why was this task given to me
when will i be able to take a breath
and blend into the background and be like everyone else....

without it...

i wonder what i would do if i woke up and couldn't write

if my heart and mind were silenced

my feelings would go unheard

those things i dream about would remain unknown

my wants and deepest desires....

should might as well not even exist

my shyness would paralyse me

my ability to tell the truth with out the result of much heartache

would be taken away

my extra boost of confidence would no longer have a home

my heart would hold a lot more secrets

and my ideas would be held in the prison of my brain

if my hands were unable to speak up for me

i'd be able to hide

but would be filled with what ifs

sometimes i feel that i would go around unnoticed

and i couldn't-

wouldn't be able to-

*sigh*

say what i really want to say right now....

what it was/what it is

i no longer sit and wonder about the way things were or the way that they could've been/didn't have the heart to hold a grudge even when i wanted to/my happiness for you is genuine/i don't focus on the hows and the whys/we grew together/we grew apart/it was what is was and and it is what it is/my heart swells at the thought of what we were and what we had/but it is even made fuller at the what i have become alone.....

the L word

i'm thinking about love not that february 14th red and white love/i mean real i can't i can't sleep can't breathe without you love/that luther and donny sing about/the love that makes everyone in the room disappear when that special someone enters the room/that feet washing scene in jason's lyric kind of love/the love that brings real intimacy/not sex but intimacy/that can be felt just by a smile or the slightest touch/love that leaves you speechless and breathless/love that is so INTENSE/ that whenever wherever and anytime maxwell janet kind of love/the love that makes you feel so good that you are afraid of it because if you had it and lost it you would not know what to do...

i can't wait for the day that i can lock my hair without judgement

and move freely to my favorite spots

i'd travel to the place i fell in love with when i was 17

the swiss alps

where i first saw snow and began my addiction to chocolate

then i'd jet over where it all began

where the sun turns my skin georgia red in the summer

and the sweetest peaches grow

the place that allows me to leave worries at the border

and then i'll eventually return home

because it will always be home

where the palm trees out number the people

and where my heart feels the most full

STOP WATCH

sometimes i wish that i could freeze time

take all of my clocks off of the wall

no longer feel that one step forward

means to step back

i would sleep straight through the night

and not wake up

every hour on the hour

worrying that i didn't set my alarm clock

i'd unplug all of my clocks

and worry less about what i haven't done

and focus more on what i have accomplished

i'd spend more time with my two favorite girls

and remember what grass and sand feel like in between my toes

i would just breathe

denece

i am always patience

yahnae and santanna's aunt

monique and tiffany's little sister

jimmie and andrea's baby girl

and the ever learning student

some people only see pay or pay pay

the friend

who listens

and only gives advice when asked

i know how to turn into p

the tough me

who doesn't take crap from anyone

but then there's denece

the me few have ever seen

and most people don't even know exist

the me that lets my hair down

and flirts carelessly

the me that can let passion and sweet nothings melt off my tongue

and brings heat through my finger tips

the me that always knows how to get what she wants

the night me

the afternoon me

and if you're lucky the day time me

truth is

truth is

its has been a minute

wonder sometimes if i am broken

or just need new batteries

do i still know how to work?

do i still know how to be worked?

not sure of how it feels any more

can only think about what it was like

would i even recognize it

if it walked by me?

would i even know what to do

with it?

TRUE first love

my true first love
your outsides may change
but your insides still
have a hold on my heart
never disappointed me
or let me down
you have left me confused
and
have left me satisfied more times than
i can remember
i will always turn to you
for inspiration
though you may age
you never get old
you change names
you change personalities
but you'll always be
my first true love

work in progress

i've danced with the devil
and
laughed with the angels
got on my knees to pray
and
questioned HIM all in the same breath
said HIS name in vain
while trying to walk the right walk
it sometimes feels like temptation lives right next door
daughter of a preacher
raised up in the church
but still i cry out
why me LORD?
not taking time to think
why NOT me LORD?
he brought me to it
he brought me through it
i've danced with the devil
and
laughed with the angels
with HIM holding my hand
the entire time
i remain
HIS favorite work in progress

my voice

i lost my voice for a while
among the hustle and bustle
separating myself from my emotions
putting focus on other things
not taking time to pause
not taking time to think
quickly cutting my losses
not letting anyone get to close
becoming what i said i would never be
i took my pain and turned into a shield
letting it grow into a wall
but a welcomed unexpected
stirred something inside of me
i was able to trust my voice again

okay so now i am up to date with my postings. i've decided against posting everything i've ever written who has that kind of time? but the last few entries are pretty recent.
--P.

here we go again...

Not really sure what’s going on right now
Maxwell playing in the background
My mind is all over the place
Someone ringing my phone
It’s almost midnight
Can’t sleep
Got work early in the morning
Claim I’m trying to figure out what’s keeping me up
But I know
It’s inspired me more than I have been in a long time
Now Tamia has me thinking
Beyonce has me wondering
What is God trying to tell me?
This isn’t fair
Been through this once before
Always knew a recurrence was a possibility
But not like this
Why like this
Anyway but like this

P.

I’m far from perfect
Some days I can’t even see perfection in the horizon
My head always seems to be stuck in a book
I wonder and I wander
I seek second opinions
I blush at compliments
I am not the best speller
And I like to write in lower case
I like to eat candy before dinner
My face often speaks for me
I can be naughty
I can be sarcastic
I can be nice
Not really a fan of flowers as an "I'm sorry gift"
I can be lazy and hard headed
I can be overwhelming
But I know that I deserve the best
I’m working on my patience
But I’m very tolerable
I’m independent
I’m PASSIONATE
I love hard
And can be very corny
But I know how to laugh at myself
I’m caring
It’s rare to see me upset
Cool, calm, and collected that’s me
I can be a puzzle often hard to figure out
I have aspirations and goals
I daydream
I am a sneakers and flip flops chick
I love my legs
But have a love hate relationship with my hair
I like to laugh as much as possible
I cry when I am angry
My favorite color is blue
And I don’t like birthday cake
I often find myself bouncing to songs I know that I shouldn’t support
I don’t know how to use a coffee maker
The only thing I know how to do with make up is spell it
Perm is a serious four letter word to me
I like slow kisses, long hugs, and hand holding
I think everything comes in time
I’m camera shy I’m not into the hype
I can be vain
I’m often my worst critic
I sometimes wish I had more of a voice
And every now and then I feel like I’m screaming on mute
Not a fan of phones
But in love with IM and text messaging
I want to leave my mark on the world
I feel like that I should always be doing more
I like to work out and take afternoon naps
My idea of a good time is just sitting and talking about something real
I sometimes get embarrassed of my people
But represent them proudly every day
I love my friends and family
But I don’t mind being alone
I like to take chances but still get afraid
I don’t like to be the center of attention
I enjoy the simple things
I’m just trying to live my life
And sometimes think that people build me up to be more than I am
I am who I am but not who I always will be.

the good the bad and the ugly part 2

He gave
He took away
I loved that man
He complimented
He bashed
I loved that man
Once equal
He became first
I became second
I loved that man
My life line
Who cut me lose
I loved that man
I became unrecognizable to myself
I turned into his shadow
I loved that man
He yelled
I screamed inside
Afraid of my own voice
I loved that man
I forgave
Tried to forget
I became the queen of second chances
I loved that man
We laughed
We cried
The good out weighed the bad
How I used to love that man
But I learned to love myself more

second time around

waking up
praying that my heart had soften
i don't want my soul to harden
don't wanna be who i said I'd never become
no longer wanna see him in every attractive guy's eyes

I'm just trying my best to keep it together
not to go in seclusion
keep telling myself that i don't care
that i don't need it
but deep down part of me wants it
misses it...
telling myself it'll be better the second time around

the sun bathes my skin
as its warmth streaks through my window
and my soul is refreshed
while my mind wanders
into my memories
of you
and what you do to me
the taste of your kiss still lingers
as the softness of your lips
leave me wanting more
my mouth is left on fire
the idea of your lushness meeting mine again
drives me wild
my heart skips a beat
as i anticipate hearing your voice again
and count the days
until i your face meets me mine once more
a smile creeps accross my face
at the thought being granted with your kisses again
your touch your whispers in my ear
the taste of your kisses
are all like a drug
leave me longing
driving me delirious
yearning for more and more
but all of these things
you will never know
as fear has coated my heart
and rejection has set in my mind
my feelings will remain locked
until fate will intervene
and your kisses will
only belong to me

the good the bad and the ugly

you took from me
you stole from me
you used me
right in front of me
and i let you
i didn't blink an eye
when you came to me only when you need me
you drained me
you abandoned me
you turned me cold and untrusting
you took the best of me
you made cover my mirrors
you led me astray
you hurt me
and i cried for you
i waited up
you never came home
i wanted to be everything for you
while you wanted to take everything from me
i lost me
i became your shadow
woke up some days unaware of who i was
i was an addict
and you were my dealer
you were my lungs
but yet you refused to help me breathe
i was young
but you aged me
i craved you
but you left me hungry
you were my sun
my moon
and my stars
all i could see was you
you took my voice
but didn't speak up for me
you lifted me up
but in the end you refused to catch me when i fell.

i tonight i took my heart off of my sleeve
and looked at it
saw the bruises
and also the smooth spots
felt warm
then it turned cold
i put it to my ear
each beat told a story
it cried
and laughed
all at the same time
whispered regrets
told of kept secrets
boasted of conquest
thought about times of pleasure
relived times it felt humiliated
begged for me to take it off my sleeve
and put it away for safe keeping
said that it was time
because no one was coming to fix it
forced me to look at myself
it screamed that it was time for me to let go
all the love i thought that was mine
is now going out to others
left me wondering if i was being silly
was i really that blind
holding on to empty promises
and false words
mixed with
untrue feelings
am i in so deep
that i have become weak
unable to think rationally
i know that deep down
that i am stronger than this
i yell at it
that i just want some one who's going to tell me
that my whole being is beautiful
that there will be no world for them
with out me in it
i just want to be respected
loved unconditionally
and treated the way i deserve
for us to connect in such away
that we rediscover ourselves within each other
if i can't have that i told it
i don't want anything at all
my heart grew and told me that it was time
time for me to put it away
for safe keeping again
it was time that i stopped settling
for bits and pieces
of what i wanted
from the one i love
why should he get all of you
it said
while he only gives you sprinkle
its time that you stopped playing
the role of the fool
tonight i took my heart off of my sleeve
and looked at it
and decided that it was time
to wipe the slate clean
and put it away for safe keeping

head vs. heart

what do you do
when your heart
and head
want two different things
your mind wants to carry you
on the straight and narrow
and your heart wants to lead you
on a path unknown
your mind knows what makes since
but your heart desires the mystery
what do you do when your mind
tells you to ignore your heart
but your heart then overtakes your mind
and you sit and long
for what feels like the unattainable
and wish would escape your mind
when your head tells you to stick
with the one that's safe
but your doesn't drive you crazy
while you heart longs for the one
that makes you blush
and leaves you wanting more
who keeps you tossing
in your sleep
while you dream about him
and everything that he's given you
and has not given you
what do you do
when you fear
your head and heart
finally becoming one

revelation

i looked in the mirror yesterday
discovered that what i wanted
now out weighed what i needed
the weight of confusion
lifted off of my shoulders
the fog of uncertainty
along with it
finally realized that i was
fully in control
didn't need others and things
to define me
i looked within
and became another version of myself
the joyous tears from my eyes
like rain
bloomed fresh flowers
within me
everything had finally come
full circle
i am at the start of something new
but this time
revelation has set in

what used to be

Things felt like old times
You came back and its was like
I had never been absent from your arms
Perfection could not even describe
The feelings that I fought so hard
And so long
To get rid of
Came rushing back
Like the flood waters running
From a river
Almost a year
And things felt so familiar
The moment
Though brief
Was just what I wanted
Needed
Had vowed to myself that the next time
Would be under permanent circumstances
Got angry with myself
I let it happen again
Why do I constantly put my heart through the same thing?
Over and over
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me twice shame on me
Shame on me once, twice, three times…
No longer able to keep count
Why do I love so hard?
And why have I
Fallen for the one who's unwilling to catch me
When there are ones standing in the wings
With nets in their hands
Long for the one who wants to roam the streets
While I sit ignoring the ones who are knocking at my door
Begging to come in
I try
I try so hard
The truth is before me
But yet
It's almost like I can not see it
He is out and about
Me the furthest thing from his mind
Dealt with the pain
Cried through the heartache
Got over the anger
But the longing remains
Though it's got to be someone out there
Who wants what I want
I can't see beyond
What let me go
Who didn't know what I was
And can't see what I have become
Sit waiting for the day
That I can completely
Walk away
And no longer look back
Leaving HIM searching for
What used to be

three for the price of one

a new day
the memories of yesterday sometimes sting my heart
but the idea of a tomorrow sooths my soul
with it brings the promise of a new beginning
a chance to fix regrets
and to make up for time lost
brings new promises, hopes, and fears
it means that the pain has been healed
and allows me to start over
allows me to vow that i wont let the next one
pay for the last ones mistakes
it keeps me going in order to make plans
the mystery of tomorrow allows for new things to bloom
and lets me be naive
and enjoy the innocence of a new day
the thought of tomorrow keeps me awake
to watch the sunrise
a sign that another chance has begun

untitled
whispers in the air surround me
though they give me the answers
i am left wondering
what is it that i am supposed to hear
questioning what is it that i am supposed to see
blinded to things often placed right in front of me
often looking for an ax to chop a through door
when opportunity has already knocked
and placed the keys to it in my hands
i often force myself to seek what is actually the unseekable
because it is not hiding
but clear as day
though given a compass to help me find my way
i still stand frozen feeling lost
because often i can't read the words
placed right in front of me

forgive me
please forgive me if a stare too long
its just that you have captivated me
in such a way that does not allow me
to see in one else in a crowded room
please forgive me if i stutter
it is just that you often leave me speechless
please forgive me if i turn away when i catch you staring
its just that when you look at me
my heart skips a triple beat
please forgive me if i listen more
and speak less
its just that i want to hang on your every word
please forgive me if i cover my face when you compliment me
its just that i do not want you to see me blush
please forgive me if i like to be near you
its just that your presence brightens my heart

OF HIM

i am thinking of him
even though i do not want to
i can see his face
though its been a while
smell his smell
even though i do not know what it is
i can feel his touch
even though it is now a stranger to my flesh
i am allowing him to consume my thoughts
even though i know i shouldn't
eagerly await his voice
though it brings me false hope
i awake and look for him
even though i know that he is not here
i am thinking of him
because with me is where i want him to be

welcomed unexpected

I got something the other day
It was a welcomed unexpected
It was new yet familiar
Had feelings stirring in me that I thought were dead
It made me nervous
Because I thought that part of me was on hiatus
Unreachable and not worth bothering with
And then the welcomed unexpected arrived
Knocking me off my feet
Leaving me to pace the floor and seek advice
Analyzing questions, words, and actions
Wondering if I was ready to start THAT journey again
Forcing myself to back off and give the unexpected back
Trying to convince myself that I wasn’t ready for that yet
It is a much needed breath of fresh air
But I might stick to my oxygen tank
Cuz sometimes it’s safer to watch the action than be apart of it
The welcomed unexpected
Bringing back the familiar…

summer and fall

the summer used to leave me with a broken heart
as i sat waiting for the fall to save me
but now the summer heals my wounds
and the fall opens my eyes
the summer used to be my worst enemy working against me
the fall played my knight in shining armor
the fall kept me warm and the summer turned me into ice
summer has turned onto fall
and fall now feels like summer
now i see that they were just leading me to the day that they became one
and when i could finally see that it wasn't the seasons that kept changing on me
but the one who held my heart

the grey clouds outside my window cover the sky like my heart
for the flame in it has now become smoke and ashes
the piano that once had so much joy to give my soul
now cries as the lady in me songs the blues
oh how i wish i could grab the sun
and nestle my face in it like it was my pillow
and have the whispers of fairies dance around my head
as i get cloaked in the warmth of the ones arms i love
and who loves me back just as much
but the uncertainty of the days
are the same as feelings
they change as quickly as the weather

when i touch you
i don't want you to think about anything else
i want you for myself
i don't want to have to share you
when i want you
come to me
i want to be all your fantasies
make your dreams come true...
i want to love you
have you have you stay up a night
thinking about me...
when you feel the breeze brush across your skin-
i want you to want me everywhere around you
when i wrap my arms around you
and feel your body
i want your eyes to beg me stay
and not leave you alone
so that you can feel my heart beat pounding next to yours
when the stars come blanket the sky and until the sun comes up again...
i want you to tell me that i belong to you
when you taste my love
i want you to show me that i am your only woman
and hear you whisper in my ears
how much you want me
and where you want me...
let me give you all of the
loving that you need
i want you to see how much
i need you
i want you satisfied
whatever you need
my heart can provide.

my heart
it beats to rhythm
composed by you
it has me humming a song
that disclose your lyrics
my soul
it dances to your choreography
sometimes i find myself thinking
is this really real
or did
i dream this and everything else up
finding myself
pinching myself to make sure I'm awake
catching my breath
at how selfish i sometimes feel
when i don't want to let you go
share you with anyone else...
if you only knew
how you had me where you
want me...

hero

sometimes you're my hero
its like-
when my body's dying
its at the same time
calling
and you are the only one
who can rescue me
your face gets my heart pumping
your touch brings my body
back alive...
your kisses take me to a
safe place
when you rescue me-
i feel free
i get lost somewhere else
my head spins
and my breath deepens
as my eyes fill with tears-
i close my eyes
to save myself from drowning
in a pool of lust...
i grip your back
as i feel you shift
my heart
rescuing me you-
fulfill my fantasies
i lift my hips once you get
my blood flowing-
use my voice
to show you that youve revived
my lungs-
i take you in
never knowing
what to expect...
my life guard
you make me want to never-
stop...
keep me going
until
my body becomes something else...
every time i feel like
i'm losing myself again-
for the very first time...
when it seems like i'm going to get
too lost
you always through me a life line...
SAVE ME.

i try not to sleep in your preasence
scared of what i might say...
you might be able to look into my dreams
see my desires and wants
learn what makes me laugh
and what brings tears to my eyes
and
how to bring joy into my pain
u may ask
why wouldnt i want you to know
all of these things
its because they all lead you to
somewhere else...
somewhere blocked and filled with disclosed information
so please dont watch me as i sleep
for you might find yourself in
my heart.

i sometimes find myself lost in you
a feeling that scares me to no end
i get short of breath
and my heart shakes with worry
and my stomach gets filled with butterflies
its not that i dont want be so in to you
but i wonder
i ask myself
if i were to totally fall for you
where would that leave me
could you handle having my heart under you complete care
or would you leave it on the side
to pick up when you want to
and have around only when you needed it
sometimes i can't believe the way i act...
the jones that i got in my bones for you-
i have to ask myself do you completely get it yet
do you understand-
why i sometimes feel
ashamed at how mesmerized i get
you don't know what you've done to me
I'm stuck on you
i step back and just look at you sometimes
watch you while you sleep
and try to read your mind-
see where i belong...
i try to see the things i never hear from you
i wonder what you think
and where your heart is
all while
i try to place mine in your hands...

frozen

when we are frozen in time
look at me-
do see me catching my breath
shielding my heart
guarding my soul
while trying to let you
in at the same time
look harder
yiu'll see me putting down my arms
and letting you inside
we are fozen in time-
just look.

went to sleep last night
i found myself in an unfamiliar familiar place
familiar because i has been there before
unfamiliar because i wasn't used to feeling the way i did
when i visited it last
my unfamiliar familiar place
i saw that yesterday was over
and that there was no point in looking back at it
that tomorrow wasn't promised,
so i should focus on today
i felt unfamiliarly familiar in this place
this time i wasn't running
my legs were glued to the ground
i didn't have to hide
i wasn't lost because
this time i had a compass
this time around i wasn't making excuses.
but i was telling it how it was
i took my heart out my back pocket
and placed in my sleeve...
last night i took a trip-
i went to my unfamiliar familiar place...

yesterday and today

i look so suprised
when people ask what the difference between yesterday and today
what happened in between
why has my walk changed
and my face gotten freer
whats the difference between yesterday and today?
in between i got filled with something-
that touched my insides
and painted my outsides
covered my mind
and made me lose myself
lose myself into something new
so whats the difference between yesterday and today?
yesterday i was something else
today im a little more pay
and little less patience
i can breathe without gasping for air
glide instead of run
glow instead of fade into shadows
the difference between yesterday and today
yesterday i didnt have what
i have today
i got consumed by emotions
swallowed by passion
tken over from the top of my head
to the bottom of my feet
thats the difference between yesterday and today.

the somethings

when you ask me why it is that I always pull away from you,
i quickly change the subject
because
how can i say-
that fill me me with somthing different
something that shouldn't be
that sometimes i'm afraid to talk to you
in fear that i might say something stupid
or make you feel weird
that can't look you in the eye
because i might stare too long
what would you say if you knew?
if you knew how much i like just being with you
we don't have to be near each other
just knowing that you're there does some thing
i can't tell you that you're kisses-
you're kisses taste like cotton candy to me
and leave the fuzzy feeling somethings in my tummy
so when you ask me why i pull away-
don't ask expecting an answer
just look at the somethings in my face...
the redness in my cheeks,
the the glow in my eyes,
and the width of my smile next to
the deepness of my dimples-
and take those as answers.

thoughts

you know that she sings in the shower and she sings in the car; she dances in the mirror and laughs in the dark; but the day she does all of this infront of you is the day you know you really got her...

watch her while she sleeps and she'll be there in the morning; hold her hand as she tries to walk away and she'll stay; if you hold her tight and she complains that your're sufficating her, breathe air into her lungs; but if you begin to push as she pulls she'll be sure to eventually let go...

first one

so i've finally broken down and gotten a blog. it was actually suggested by the last person in the world i would ever expect to do so. i'm super private about my stuff, but this is a good way to keep track of it. i have a lot of stuff so it might take a while for me to upload everything, the date i wrote and they day that they have been posted are not always the same. so even if you don't remember suggesting it thank you.