nothing even matters

Sometimes I wish that you would just go away
And leave me alone to deal with emptiness
That your absence would bring
But at least then
I would know where I stood
And would no longer have to wonder
How long it will be before
The novelty of me wears off
You are stronger than me
I am too weak to say good bye
But I know that I don’t want you to leave
I see you in my dreams
Think about you everyday
And want to create memories with you
I’ve been feeling lost these past few months
Not sure of where I am going
Or where I want to be
But one thing remained
Constant
Even when I wasn’t feeling like myself
Or even when I could not
Remember who I was
My heart did not change
Even when he returned to claim his spot back
He didn’t matter
And the other
He doesn’t matter
Time won’t matter
My butterflies still whisper your name

ready.

I thought that I knew what I wanted
But it turned out that It wasn’t ready for me
It got trampled on a forgotten
And left on a bench
So I put it away
Locked it out of sight
In hopes that one day
I’d be able to bring it back out again
I thought I knew what I wanted
But It turned out that it wasn’t ready for me
It was given attention for a little bit
And made to feel special
But then the novelty wore off
So it sat waiting for promises to be fulfilled
And for actions to back up words
So I put it away
Locked it out of sight
I thought I knew what I wanted
But knew that it wasn’t ready for me
I ignored its touch
And its gentle voice
Disregarded its patience
And persistence
Forgot its name
Walked pass its attention
I thought I knew what I wanted
And it just might be
That I’m not ready

what i do sometimes

1. Make something small really big and down play the big stuff
2. I pretend like my solitude is what I hold most dear, when I hug is what I need
3. I act like you are less than you really are, while I wonder why I haven’t heard from you this week
4. Trick myself into thinking that I am in control when I live by the clock
5. Push down what is trying to escape from my heart through my mouth
6. I say that I am living just for me, but I am constantly making lists of my mistakes
7. Make believe that my past plays no role in my present, when it really does
8. Tell myself that I can do without you, but I replay every conversation and stolen moment over and over in my head
9. Hope that you won’t read my blog, but secretly wish that you will
10. Push the snooze button twice, so that I can hold on to you a little while longer

perfection.

I wish that you weren’t so understanding
So patient
And that you didn’t mind waiting for me
Until I made up my mind
Get frustrated
Show me what I am missing out on
Make me decide
Don’t allow me to be greedy
You shouldn’t have to share
I wish that you would just let me go
Because even if things don’t end up in my favor
That doesn’t mean that they’ll end up in yours either
When will you get tired
Of waiting for me to wake up
I don’t know when I’ll snap out of it
Or if I ever will
Make me choose
Tell me that I’ll regret my decision
Stop making being okay with what I give you
Demand all of me
Make this easier for
Me

remember that time?

When I got there tonight
All I could do was laugh
And remember our first time there
Those were good times
Fun times
Before the novelty wore off
I didn’t order what I really wanted
Because even after all of that time
You still made me nervous
And I was trying to impress
I remember that I wanted to sit next to you
And was annoyed with the table the waitress gave us
But mad at myself for saying that our seats were okay
I remember what I wore
And what was on the radio that day

I tried to get you to sing...

*smile*

back at start

Preparing to go out
And give another one a chance
Feeling guilty because I know the truth
He’ll end up like the others
Left with unfulfilled promises
Of returned phone calls
And second outings
Despite my many attempts not to
Stand him up next to you
I’ll try to erase you for the evening
Remembering why I am there in the first place
I’ll stare at him while he talks
Studying his face
And ask myself if I could see myself kissing him
Laugh at his jokes
And try not to make a face while he tries to impress me
With things that he knows absolutely nothing about
Wondering if I could enjoy him in silence
And if I’ll fit under his arm
And when he asks me where my mind is
I’ll lie and tell him I’m thinking
About how good of a time that I am having
I’ll try not to make it obvious
That I don’t want him touching my braids
And pretend that I don’t mind him holding my hand
I’ll keep reminding myself
Where I stand
And that I have to move on
Try to let go
But still
The buzz will only last for the night
And tomorrow I’ll be back
Where I started

too much

Afraid
Care about him too much
Worry about him too much
Wait
Look for him too much
Hold my breath too much
Hopeful
Dream about him too much
Fantasize about him too much
Write about him too much
Confused
Too much uncertainty
Dealing with alternatives too much
Don’t know where I fit
It’s just too much

you, me, and him

You have become me
And I him
You’d think I’d be better at this
Because I when I look at you
I see myself
Hoping and wishing for that person
To call you and say
That they are thinking about you too
You keep so many of your feelings hidden
Afraid that they will make
The object of your affection
Run the other way
But you are stronger than I
You throw those words around without
Fear and without hesitation
You freely point out what you want to be yours
You are me
And I am him
But I am the weakest
Of the bunch
I wish that I could admit
That I want to get lost with him
And hide where only angels can find us
So that I won’t have to share him
Even on the days that I hope
To forget him
I want him to be my breeze
On a hot summer day
And tell him everything
Without a filter
Thoughts of
His beauty
And I forget myself
You, me, and him
You are truly the strongest
Out of all of us

i'm tired

I’m tired
I’m tired of the self, the inconsiderate,
And the intelligent clueless
I’m over those who think they are doing me a favor
By allowing me in their life
I’m tired
Of hearing “I told you how it was from the jump”
Honesty means nothing if your heart is not in it
Just because you confess to a crime
doesn’t mean you did not commit a crime
I’m tired of people who can dish it out but can’t take it
Those who don’t seem to realize that they are living their life
in a pattern
And can’t see the fire through the smoke
I’m tired of those whose words
Don’t coincide with their actions
I’m tired of wondering and guessing
And being left in the dark
I’m tired of the spineless
When faced with the truth can’t live up to it
And those who
Expect everyone else to be cool with they are doing
Because they are happy with what they are doing
I’m tired
I quit

Do you see me?

I stand
Always in the same spot
Ready
Whenever you are
And I wonder
If you even see me
Or if I am clone of the others that surround me
And if I can be easily replaced
I’ve written it on the walls
And placed in the clouds
Worn them on my sleeve
Held my tongue in hopes of stopping myself from saying too much
But I continue to stand in the shadows
Unseen
Unnoticed
Unheard
Wondering how much longer will it be
Until it’s my turn

Sometimes something will happen
And for a moment I forget
Who you are
And why you are my favorite
And why no one else has earned that label yet
Admittedly that moment of amnesia
Makes me slightly
Happy
But then appeal of the eraser
Fades
Thoughts of you return
The feelings remerge
And I remember how you feel
It shows on my face

And it's often hard to hide

What you do

To me

Despite what may lie in between us
I know that you are never really that far away

i were a boy.

*I was inspired by Beyonce’s song “If I Were A Boy,” thing would be so different if I were.

If I were a boy
The truth would be optional
I’d sometimes tell you what you want to hear
You’d be the one wondering if you would ever be enough for me
I wouldn’t remember every taste, smell, every story, and touch
I’d tell you one thing
And do another
You’d be the one waiting
I’d be the one stringing you along
And I’d have others waiting in the wings
You’d be best friends with postal workers
And I’d be on the receiving end
If I were a boy
I’d be the selfish and inconsiderate one
I’d know that no matter how mad you got
And frustrated you may feel
That you would forgive me
And continue to give me your heart
If I were a boy
Your phone calls would go unreturned
I’d know that you weren’t going anywhere
I’d do me
While keeping a hand on you
I’d naturally assume
That you tell me everything
Never wondering if you were having your own doubts
I’d always know
That no matter how far away that I might go
That you would always welcome my return

time.

I can feel your eyes following me as I keep checking the time
And I wonder why am I even here
How did we get back here?
Why am I sitting here?
In this spot
That once meant so much to us
Where we shared so many special moments
As you tell me
Once again what I am doing wrong
Making your feelings the center of our conversation
You tell me how
You miss me
You need me
You feel far away from me
You ask me if I still love you
And why am I being so cold
When did I become so selfish?
I just stared at you
Trying to figure out
When was it that I was no longer enough?
I was everything that you asked me to be
Gave you my heart
Gave you my body
Gave you my loyalty
Gave you my time
And it was never enough
I loved you more than I loved myself
Made excuses for you
Told myself that things would get better
You ask me where my head is
Am I lonely?
Is there someone else?
Is that why I won’t give you my time?
I look at you
Forgiveness took up residence a long time ago
But still
I can’t forget
The round object that I tried to force into a square peg
The words you said
The things you forgot
How you made me feel
The things you did
The tears that were wasted
Before, after, and during
The life that I thought I had lost
The pain that I thought would never go away
The damaged goods that I thought I had become
And how I thought that my heart would never be open again
When did I become a second thought?
When did the novelty wear off?
I check the time one more time
As you tell me that you have changed
But all I can do is
Tell you that your time is up

cross roads.

Stuck between my heart
And my head
A place that leaves me lost
Without a map
Or any type of direction
Standing at a cross roads
Trying to figure out
Which direction to go
One keeps me safe
And makes
Things less complicated
The other
Is a mystery
That leaves my breathless
And gives me a rush
And leaves me afraid
Afraid of the possibility
Of repeating past experiences
Afraid of not going for it
Waiting for the next meeting
Despite the uncertainty
Hoping for the best
But preparing for the worst
Turned cold
In hopes
Of getting warm again
Longing for
Nights that will turn into days
Weekends that will turn into week days
Standing at a crossroads
Staring at a clock
That won’t let time pause
Long enough to let me make up my mind

he said/she said

She said do you love him?
He said why can’t you just forget him?
He doesn’t see you how I see you
He doesn’t want you how I want you
She said do you love him?
He said how have you forgotten me?
I knew you first
How can you let him replace me?
She said do you love him?
He said I should be your favorite
I want you now
And I am not going to make you wait
She said do you love him?
He said I see you falling for him more and more each day
How can he be your favorite?
When he does not see what he has in front of him?
How long will you remain on pause?
How long will you dream?
She said do you love him?
And I said I can’t.

the funk in my right

I wonder if there is a place for people like me
Sometimes wonder why I can’t get enough
I always want more than I can handle
And even after having all of that
I am stuck craving
More
The smell
The taste
The way it feels
The way it doesn’t speak
But says everything at the same time
And makes me forget where I am
At the moment
Makes me want to bathe in it
Sink all the way to bottom
So that I can soak it all in
I can’t forget
Even when I try not to remember
But still
It is
My muse
My Jones
My biggest mystery
My deepest dream

no we. no us.

What is there to think about?
If we aren’t a we
And there is no us
Why should I worry?
Why should I ask questions?
Who cares if I care?
Who cares if I listen?

What does it matter that I find your beauty

more than I can sometimes handle?
I am me
And you are you
Alone
So I don’t need to understand
Or need to spare your feelings
And
You can’t expect me to be patient

Or be there in the end
We want different things
We can’t hold hands
We can’t make plans
And I can’t get hurt
Right?

my desire.

I sit and I wonder
How much longer
Is this thing going to drag out
Just when I think that it’s
Officially out of my system
I find myself
Getting pulled in all over again
But at the same time
By the one thing
That is my desire
You pretend not to know
What power you have over me
But we both know my secret
You keep me an arm’s length away
Some days I don’t know
The difference
Between up and down
I sit and I wait
For you
As you continue
To tease me
Knowing that you
Are my desire
I’d watch you all day
Standing in line
Waiting for my turn
At chance with
My desire

?

You’re doing too much
We’re not doing enough
I can do it all
Do it with me
I want to do it all
I hope that I can do it all
Am I too much for you
You’re the glove for my hand
Is it really possible to have it all
The path is big enough for two
I can hold your hand
But I can’t carry you
Will you stand by me
Or will you only see what I am not doing
Why aren’t I enough
When will I be enough
How many more notches on your belt do you need to have
Before you see that I am your perfect fit
When will you see what I see
When will we be all that matters

someone else part 2

All of these words
That you are saying
All of these things
That you are feeling
How I wish that they belonged
To someone else
The looks that you give me
The way that you chase me
With persistence
Makes me wish that
There was someone else after me
The promises that you make
And that I know that you will keep
The way that you desire me
And want to be with me
Should belong to someone else
The expectations you have for me
That I know deep down
That I won’t be able to fulfill
The way that you love me
And wait for me to love you in return
I wish belonged to someone else

that thing you do.

It consumes my everyday thoughts
And I find myself going back in time
In my daydreams
Remembering
What it tasted like, felt like
And what it did to me
And what I’d to have it back
Just for a moment
A feeling that you only give me
That I can’t find in a pack of double A batteries
Or with a stand by
That thing you have
Is something else
Just a thought of it
And my hands have a mind of their own
And they want to roam
Gives me an experience that I never knew
Could happen
It confuses me because
It turns me into a woman who I never knew existed
Ravenous, greedy, and thirsty
No matter how much I get it it’s never enough
Time flies by too quickly
And as soon as I say goodbye
I am mentally planning next trip

the need.

There was a time that I didn’t know
The difference
Between wanting someone
And needing someone
I didn’t realize until it was all over
That I needed him
I gave him all of me
Whatever he asked it was his
No questions asked
I no longer made him work for me
He became my life line
And I needed him
To function
And to live
I was a smart girl
Who was being led by dumb choices
Only wanting him would have allowed me
To see what was right in front of me
And would have saved me so much time
So much pain
He would tell me that he needed me
But now I know that he really didn’t
He only wanted me when it was convenient
He only wanted me when someone else wanted me
He knew I needed him
But he did not care
He took advantage of my dependence on him
We had more do overs
Than happy endings
And I forgave him
Because I thought there was no me without him

just for you

I wanted to write this one just for you
I needed to tell you
How I’ve broken some of my rules for you
That as hard as I try I just can’t figure it out
Why
You make me second guess my decisions
And though you want no part of them
You influence my choices
This one was supposed to tell you that
I think that what we just might be
The one thing that I can’t give a label too
And that’s fine
Because whatever we are and where ever we are
Are the way things are supposed to be
I wanted to write this one just for you
To tell you
That even when you frustrate me
I still find myself missing you
And that though I try to put walls up between us
On top of the miles that lay between us
I find myself telling you secrets that I never even knew that I had
I wanted to write this one just for you
But even after looking at all of these words
There is so much more that I want to say

Whispering Wind...

The wind whispered to me today
Out of blue it blew right by my ear
So unexpected
But welcomed
And for a moment I was taken back
To what could have been
The voice inside my head was talking to me
Told me not to worry about
What might be waiting for me tomorrow
And not to let this opportunity pass me by
The wind whispered to me today
It sounded so sweet
And was filled with promises
Knowing my secrets and what my heart desired
It found me feeling kind of weak today
Yesterday left me feeling like I was sitting on a seesaw alone
But the wind whispered to me today
It was saying all of the right things
That made me rethink what I said yesterday
The other day I told myself
That I was bouncing my feelings off of a rubber wall
That they were never going to be caught and returned
Made me wonder what’s so wrong with that temporary thing
And it asked me what I was waiting for?
Who did I think was going to come along?
The wind whispered me today
And felt so good rubbing against my skin
Made me forget where I was for a moment
It made my curiosity level rise
I thought that the Miami heat was starting to get to me
And I felt like Eve in that garden
The wind whispered to me today
And even though deep down
I knew that it was probably right
I slipped on my jacket
And kindly declined its offer

cracks...

I almost got lost in a crack

It looked so warm

And shined of perfection
I looked down
And there it was
It had always been in the same spot
In the same road
But I was always able to avoid it
Because other things kept my mind occupied
But today my thoughts were different
The words of others began to fill my head
And cast doubt
Made me wonder if I had invisible blinders on
The one thing that consumed my thoughts for so many days, weeks, and months
Started to look kind of funny to me
I started to wonder if I knew what I was really doing

what i like

I know what I like
I like to be reminded why I am with him
And not someone else
I like to talk to God
And have tears brought to the corner of my eyes
I like to tell the world his name
Over and over again
While he makes my body shake
And make me hope that the feeling would never end
I like to wake up to it, go to sleep to it, and have it for lunch
And have it every way possible
I like him thick enough
To fill me up
And long enough
To leave his mark
I like for him to take control
And him to show me why he is my favorite
And why looking for a replacement would be useless

lone star memories

I sit here and I look out the window
Watching the rain and the sun fight for the sky’s attention
And I was suddenly struck by memories
I was asked today to name what I wanted the most
At that moment
And the first thing that came to mind
Was a long, soft, deep kiss
The kind that says
Hello, I missed you, and don’t you leave anytime soon
I realized how much I miss those
And that made me remember
The first time I experienced the lone star toe curl
And the way my body wanted to form a permanent V
And made me crave the lone star business
On a regular basis
The way the lone star’s taste
Lingered on my tongue
And turned into my favorite flavor
Made me want to trade in my sunshine residency
And open up shop in gate C
Spin cycle, couch, floor
Lone star weekends that made me weak
And made me discover something else within me
Lone star encounters that were separated by many Sundays
I never settled for imitations to fill the space
And now my soul sits on ice
As I try to shake the lone star off of me
And out of my dreams

afraid

I’m not afraid of it
That’s not it at all
In fact I can’t wait for its return back into my life
I can’t wait for it to cover me like a blanket
And fill me up inside
I can’t wait for the power it gives me
And the way it makes me feel
I am more afraid of who will give it to me
I’m afraid of being ready to give it to someone
And them not being ready to take it
I’m afraid of not knowing what to do with it
And of messing things up
I’m afraid that I won’t know how to handle it
Once it is given to me
I’m afraid that it may not be enough
I’m afraid of not knowing how to hold on to it
I’m afraid of it being thrown away
And of it not being taken seriously
I’m not afraid of it
I’m afraid of myself when I have it

someone else

I’m not mad at you
I’m just frustrated
I’m just tired

I'm just confused
I want someone else to be standing in your place
Why can’t you be you, but someone else?
I’m mad at myself
For not taking advantage of what is available to me

For wanting you to be in him
I know how great you are
And that perfection walks in your shadow
But you are not who I want you to be

so easy to say

It would be easy for me to say
That after one look
I knew that I would look good on you
But the truth is
It took more than a day,
Maybe it took a week or even a month
For me to capture you in my dreams
Because back then the world was heavy
And for a long time
So was my heart
It would be easy for me to say
That you had me at hello
But it took some time
Before you got me
To remove the chip that was on my shoulder
And rest it on the night stand for a while
It would be easy for me to say
That I instantly knew that I wanted
My head to fit perfectly on your shoulder
And that I couldn’t wait to hear what your heart beat sounded like
But I was too into playing the game
And was not interested
It would be easy for me to say
That you didn’t shake me
And that you didn’t pull the rug from under me
That I the only reason I anticipate you is because
You caught me at a weak moment
It would be easy for me to say
That I was still playing the game
And that I didn’t think of you daily
That I didn’t care either way
And that I wasn’t trying to replace you
And that I knew where i fit in your life
It would be so easy to say…

simply beautiful

Sometimes you shine so brightly
That it hurts to be near you
But you shine so brightly
That I can’t help to be drawn to you
Because you are just that beautiful
I’d stand outside your window just to get a glimpse
Of the beauty that I like to think
That only I can see

I wanna make a movie with your beauty

You don't know your own beauty
I wanna keep you my secret
I don’t want to have to share you
Your beauty is one of a kind
I hear your beauty
In the beat of my favorite song
To be able to lock you up
And place you in my back pocket
So that I can carry you around with me
Where ever I go
I wanna lay in your beauty

And wrap it all around me
Touch your beauty
Taste your beauty
Inhale your beauty
Exhale you beauty
So that you can fill the room every time
I feel alone

I wanna just be

In your beauty
Because you are just
Simply beautiful

what lovers do

Sometimes I wish that we could do what lovers do
I just close my eyes
And get lost in wishful thinking
I see it all
A perfectly painted picture
Of unforced beauty
Then the paint starts to drip
And I begin to wonder
If I still know how to go there
Do I know how to let me belong to someone else?
Become free and completely theirs
Or will I always be waiting for the other shoe to drop
I squeeze my eyes tightly
Trying to hold on to the image for as long as I possibly can
And try to imagine what it would feel like
If we did what lovers do

almost

you knew the answer to the question
before you even asked it
yet you asked anyway
with a look in your eyes
that i had never seen before
a look that made
my heart break for you
and for what could have been...
should have been...
for what was...
*sigh*
it wasn't so long ago
that i laid it out for you
waited for you
hoped for you
it was all yours
you let the moment pass
and with it you let me slip away
and now here we are
forced to let go of the almost...

is sorry enough?

Stuck between this thing called a rock
And this thing called a hard place
Always turning from what is simple and easy
In order to wait on the bus stop
With a one way ticket to a town called hard and difficult
You are willing to give me everything
And all you ask in return
Is for the one thing that no matter how much I try and fake it
That I can’t give you
It would be so easy to release everything to your custody
And just go with the flow
But I know that I can't promise you that I’ll stay
And I can’t honestly offer what you want most from me
Maybe I’m a fool who doesn’t know what’s best for me
Or maybe I’m a dreamer
Who believes that there is something more out there for me
But either way all I can say is that I am sorry
For not being the woman that you want me to be

today or tomorrow

you say that i think about tomorrow too much

and should only worry about today

but what am i to do

when today will leave me

picking up the pieces tomorrow?

trying to live in the moment

but my mind continues to look at tomorrow

and the questions that i will be left answering

did i follow my heart?

or was i following the needs?

am i being fair to either of us,

knowing that i am not all in it?

that i see you as some temporary fix

and you see me as your last?

whether i live for today or live for tomorrow

i will continue to live in limbo of what i do

and what i want to do.

why at one in the morning?

stomach rumbling

mind racing

insomnia has checked in

and buddy aint moving out any time soon

looking at the pile of articles i need to read

to finally complete this paper

and i turn to this thing instead

my central time zone spiritual sista

left my mind in a frenzy

and has me wondering what the HELL am i doing

and why am i letting it happen

where is my voice

why is the enemy

better known as my cell phone

talking to me after one in the morning

to ask me am i sleep

at ONE in the morning

why are you asking me

how you can become my favorite

if you were meant for that position

you would be already doing what it requires

and your name would be one office door

how can i began to replace the irreplaceable

why are you trying to build a time machine

you can't take back the past

and as much as i've grown

i can forgive

but the scars on my heart won't let me forget

why do i underbid during spades games

why are you trying to be something that you are not

why are you trying to force something that is not there

why can't you follow directions

am i really asking for that much

why did my mother ask me

if my heart has grown cold

why don't you understand

i'm not pushing anymore

it is what it is

midnight

it's after midnight
and that means that it's the start of a new day
either i am one day closer to my goal
or one day further from what i want to erase
just got a much needed word
late night conversation style for her
early morning for me
from a good friend
who was given to me by another
who throws punches
but is soft with the touch
a hour behind but
who keeps me on my toes
and sees the light at the end of the tunnel for me
when i can't see it for myself
who asks me what am i trying to do with my heart
where do i want to be
is it worth it
is this worth it
is he worth it
why can't i see that i am worth it
what do i want
what do i deserve
what do i need
she reminds me to give it up to HIM
because only HE knows what's best
and as tears try to escape my eyes
she reassures me
that everything that is going to be okay
it's after midnight
and insomnia lays next to me
waiting for its bedtime story
and one of our late night conversations
i'm alone with my deepest thoughts
and my biggest fears
i once again vow to let things go when the sun and the stars kiss
and release them to a higher power

lyrical diary

i sit here

with my books piled high

and my to do list over flowing

but nothing is getting done

i close my eyes

and my mind begins to drift

with Aaliyah's voice filling my ears

as i feel the sun's warmth

painting my arms through the window

leaves me wondering

how do they know what words to write

to make you feel like you aren't alone

back then when things weren't looking so good

somehow she knew

the one i gave my heart to

heartbroken

when you woke up

read between the lines

when you found the strength to make a change

never no more

when you decided second chances were no longer an option

i refuse

and turned to yourself

more than a woman

she knew life could go on

when something new caught your attention

can come i come over

and made you feel 16 again

4 page letter

at your best

someone else's lyrics...

...pages from my diary

revelations of a coward

i know what i gotta do
but something in me just won't let me
as my mind races faster than my fingers are able to keep up
i know that i shouldn't
but my insides disagree
and they want to
i try my hardest not to weaken to them
but i don't know how much longer i can hold them off
the revelations of a coward i hold inside
my mouth says things that i don't believe
but things that i wear as protective armor
for my audience
for those who turn to me as one whose sand stays in tact
when the waves hit it
revelations of a coward...
i know what i should to do
but here i am
putting all my chips on the table
regardless of the fact that there are no promises
or guarantees waiting in the the horizon
revelations of a coward...
i'm in no rush to get to the end
i'm not trying to move at full speed
i am good moving in slow motion
because i don't want my eyes to be bigger
than my stomach
i still have some work to do within
i'm in no position to bite off more than i can chew
but now i sit here and look
at all of these words
that i've placed in my own personal confessional
only to end up getting tucked away with the the others
in a box labeled revelations of a coward
and i'll wrap myself in prince's pink cashmere
and let jill and corrine talk to me in my sleep

Blue Magic pt. II

That blue magic caught up with me today
one look at it and my blood began to boil
when i got close enough to smell it
my heart began to race
and i had to hide my eyes
to hide my true feelings
then that blue magic touched me
and i was dunnzo
i was lost in a trance that i told myself
that i wouldn't let myself get caught up in
i gotta keep my mind clear
and not let this thing i call blue magic get the best if me
but the feeling it gives me
i would not trade it for anything in the world
one day i will have full control of my habit
but until then i'll take whatever taste i can get when i can

the moment

it's funny how things work out sometimes
we try and relax and let our hair down for a while
in order to live in the moment
only to be bitten in the butt by the very moment
that took our breath away
and ended up causing us temporary insanity
but in the best way...
then reality hits
and we throw ourselves a pity party for not having things work out
for what we think is our best interest
and then the most unexpected thing happens
we realize that, that Dude has another plan for us
that unexpected unmoments
begin to occur in our lives and make us realize that
that breath taking moments are not copyrighted to one person
that living in slow motion isn't so bad after all

she, me, and her

i was there for her
she's filled me up
and she's let me down
but i stand by her
taking whatever she throws at me
no obstacle is too big
i've let others misuse her
she's hurt me
i've gone deaf to her
she's healed me
she's abandoned me
but i love her more than words can say
she's pushed me to the edge
she's encouraged me
i've forgotten her
she always remembers me
she's lied to me
but i've never turned my back on her
she's believed in me
and stood in my corner
when everyone else left me stranded
i've placed others before her
she's cried with me
and has broken my heart
no matter how far i may go
she always welcomes me back home
she always knows what i should do
i've cursed her
and wished that she would go away
she's me best friend
and my worst critic
Some days she's all i've got in the world
i've needed her
i try to hide from her
but she always waits for me in the mirror...

that thing that beats within

it's not hard

it's not cold

it day dreams

it patiently waits

and makes plans

it sometimes gets ahead of itself

it sometimes feels damaged beyond repair

it's not distant

nor

is it impossible to conquer

it's not a huge mystery

it's been hurt

it has been healed

it's been saved

and given a second chance to live

it gets nervous

and sometimes feels unsure

it sometimes seems empty

it likes to think that it is worth waiting for

it's cautious

it's brave

but sometimes misses having a twin

it holds the truth

it possesses a confidence that is sometimes only surface deep

it hide fears

and holds wishes

that thing that beats within me

can be confusing

but is always clear about what it wants

and what it needs...

complicated simplicity

i just don't get it
why i have to take the long way around
instead of the short cut that has been laid out in front of me
things would be so much easier
if i didn't stop thinking rationally when...
if i didn't want more
if i didn't desire that spark
and that instant smile didn't come across my face when...
why can't i just work with what i got
work with what is lined up and is ready for me
all the simplicity i posses goes out the door when...
i thought i knew better
but i know what i want
and i know what i need
but when simplicity has been complicated
by my desires
i have to ask myself...
what am i really doing?

Benedict Arnold

we had a plan

you and i

i thought that we were going to stick with it

but you betrayed me

yes a Benedict Arnold you are

you left me without my consent

and ran to another

i thought that you were mine to keep

never to share again

once was enough for me

but you chose to go out again

you were mine

only meant for me

it's not fair

God made you for me

but now you want another

my heart...

how could you do this to me again?

it doesn't kill you

yes there were days that i thought

i wasn't going to make it

when i just rolled over in bed

my soul no longer belonged to me

and my heart was shattered

into a thousand pieces

the blinds stayed closed shut

mail remained unopened

and phone calls unanswered

it felt like the heartache

was going to over take me

being alone with my thoughts

in the silence was deafening

looking for distractions

got tired of hearing other people's advice

as i hid away

held hostage by my own pain

waiting for the end to come

then one day i woke up

took a breath

re-entered life

and realized that it doesn't kill you

my way

when we were done
and i mean really done
i thought i was done
during 4 years i lost my way
the aftermath left me a broken woman
but i still let you have two more years of my life
i couldn't find my way without you
i was never enough
and didn't think that anyone would think that i was enough either
i thought i was on my way
when i removed myself from your shadow
but then like a flash
something happened
and i was pushed back into your shadow
and i began to feel like i was damaged goods
untouchable and unreachable
but i removed that grey cloud from over my head
and found my way

favorite bad habit pt. III

it finds me in my sleep

creeps into my dreams

i know just standing in the room with it

makes me want more

and sometimes waiting it out

has me climbing the walls

i try to go with out it

tell myself that i won't go looking for it

i try and wait for it to find me

i crave it at night

and in the middle of the day

something new has to be there

that will do my body just as good

but i've got it bad

i just pray

that i can get it out of my system

amnesia

sometimes i wish i had amnesia
if i had amnesia i wouldn't be up
at 4:30 in the morning
because i'm unable to face
what awaits me in my dreams
if i had amnesia
i think i wouldn't be so hard
i wouldn't wait for the other shoe to drop
and already have a plan to mend
my not yet broken heart
amnesia would allow me to forget
and i wouldn't have to work so hard
to make sure that the next one
doesn't have to carry what the last one did
amnesia would eliminate all of my secrets
and remove what demons may remain
i wouldn't wake up some days feeling like
wreckage from a crime scene
if i had amnesia
i wouldn't end things before they start
write the conclusion before i even get to the plot
if i had amnesia
i'd be able forget that time i became green envy
and got scared because i became someone that i didn't recognize
i could pretend that i don't think about you everyday
and pink cashmere wouldn't leave me wishing
that you could read my mind
because it would make things
so much easier to get said
i could ignore why i feel like
i am breaking my own heart
by letting it fall for the unattainable
a detox from my favorite bad habit wouldn't be necessary
i would stop trying to find a cure for this feeling of like
and quit auditioning replacements
i could continue to pretend
that i am cool with the way things are
without lying to myself
if i only had amnesia...

covering all bases

i get tired of being questioned

and challenged for MY choices

i may not be very old

but i have some ways that are very set

see i've been to the rodeo once before

and i know how the ride can go

i've had bumps and bruises

and even left when some parting gifts

but i can't pretend that i am okay with doing

with what i did before

i admittedly have days when i walk around

with a smile plastered on my face

when all i really want to do is find a corner and cry

but in the end i know what i am doing is for the best

because there won't be a next time

no fingers to point

and no blame to place

i am stopping the car before we get started

i am not waiting for us to get lost

or break down and run out of gas

i am calling you out before you even put your foot on the peddle

so please don't get offended by the words that i say

i just call it protecting my heart

and saving myself from another heartbreak

so do me a favor and don't fill the air

with fairy tales, fantasies, and what could be's

just keep it 100 and lay it out on the table

because i know that as strong as i seem

recovery the second time around won't be so easy

i'm just covering all my bases

you know?

to the end

reality,
though as light as a feather
hit me as a hard as a brick
i know what is
and how it's going to be,
but i am still not ready to end my run yet
sometimes i sit back and just laugh
and think
maybe i like the torture
or maybe i like putting my heart through pain
or maybe it's the uncertainly of things
that drives me
because it means that things can end up either way
some think that i am crazy
and that i have lost my mind
that i am have placed too many chips on the table
and that i am playing with a losing hand
but i know that
throwing in the towel now would be way too easy for me
i'm going to see this fight through
all the way to the end
and continue to hope for the best
and pray that i haven't been wasting my time...

skin deep

beauty is only skin deep

so they say

but i live with that thought everyday

given a name that comes with

more responsibility

than i think i am ready for

my heart can be cold

and my mind can be closed

i am more than what people perceive

the pressure to live for them

is sometimes more than i can bare

i can be mean

i have been hurt and i have hurt

i have stepped on and stepped over people

i am so far from where i was

but still far from where i want to be

i have been a doormat but i am guilty of

cleaning my shoes on other people's shirts

i try not care

in fear of caring too much

i build up walls behind my eyes

in hopes that i won't be exposed

beauty is only skin deep

what most believe me to be is 3 feet

but the real me

doesn't have an ocean floor

dunzo.

i am done with trying to figure all of this out

done with trying to make sense of this thing

i'm going to work my hardest to put logical me on the back burner

so that i can stop trying to for see the future

i can't tell you where this is going

i can't promise you that i'll be there waiting at the finish line

i'm done looking in crystal balls

take it from me the picture is always foggy

i don't know what this means exactly

but i am done being a back seat driver

i'm hopping in my own ride

with a blind fold on

i thought i knew what i wanted and what it was going to be

i kept pushing ahead

despite what was right in front of me

i'm just going to close my eyes and jump

and pray for a soft landing.

all i have

all i have are no expectations from you/no reason to set myself up for disappointments/no reason to get hurt/just a free pass to live numb less in a lively world/no reason to think beyond today/no reason to plan for tomorrow/all i have is what i am left with/no expectations from you/no reason to be upset/no reason to care/all i have is the sad fact that i have to live this way/to block myself from my feelings/all i have and all i have guaranteed are no expectations...

the other shoe

so the other shoe finally dropped

i knew that it was going to happen eventually

and now that it has

my heart has fallen with it

i knew what this was ahead of time

i knew my role and what was expected of me

i just didn't expect it to turn into this

i was trying to have fun, make some new friends, and do me

but i got caught up

and now i have to decide

what am i going to do

continue on this journey despite

the caution signs blocking my path

or bow out gracefully while i still have some of my face left

this most definitely isn't a love thing

that word doesn't exist in my vocabulary that much anymore

i'm not heart broken, but i am filled with disappointment

it's more of a possibilities thing

you made me become a fan of the what could be

i thought i knew what i was getting myself into

i never stopped to think that this time would be any different from the others

i am angry, mad at myself

how did i get here?

i should have known better

than to put it all out there

i should have protected my heart better

and took better care of my body

i should have worked harder at keeping my emotions in check

there is still so much that i have to share

things about me that people don't know

would never think about me

but now

i am unsure of myself, my thoughts, and my feelings

should i continue to expose my desires, secrets, and demons

do you even want to know?

i am growing weary of this hurry up an wait chase that we have going on here

you weren't full time, but do i still want to keep you employed in your position,

when things don't match up and i am often left

more confused than when i started?

i was afraid of this

i knew that the moment i opened that gate i was going to catch it

i know that this is the chance that you take, but i thought i knew

released from almost four years of numbness and this is the result

a parting gift of nice try and better luck next time

this is exactly why i closed myself off all those years ago

maybe it would be best if i returned to my world of numbness

and zippless affairs

but despite all of this i still live in the moment

of every conversation and missed minute

i don't want to let go yet...

now what?

maybe i made it all up/i do have a tendency to get ahead of myself sometimes/but this part time, distant, sometime thing was starting to get to me/but now things are upside down/ words don't match actions, words don't match other words, and actions don't reflect other actions/so now i am stuck at crossroads/ and i am left with the question: now what?/ do i stick around and let this thing play out?/ in hopes that things turn out right on the other end?/ should i let optimism out weigh my realism/or do i cash out right now, taking what it was with me/in hopes that i can quickly get over yet another disappointment/do i want to use this experience to become zipless?/ my heart has hardened because of selfishness, inconsistency, and uncertainty/can i march on knowing that i am tired of putting myself out there only to get let down in the end?/ my soul is tired and my heart is weak from this never ending race/i feel like i am running backwards/ constantly unable to get to the finish line/ so now what?

my favorite bad habit pt. II

I should have stopped

When I saw that I was getting in too deep
Before you became my favorite bad habit
I try to go without it for a day
No contact what so ever
But blue magic always call me
Or my need for it over takes my mind
And I seek it out
Trying to get my fix for the day
My favorite bad habit
Leaves me feening, wanting, lusting
Desiring something more…

Longing for one more taste

One more whiff

Of blue magic.

Blue Magic

Blue magic makes me feel so good

From the top of my head

Down to the balls of my feet

All the way through my finger tips

Some days I feel like I need to quit cold turkey

And make a clean break

But then I remember how good it feels

Just to know that it's around

Blue magic is

My favorite bad habit

I sit and wait for any sign of its presence

I don't need to have it everyday

I just need to know that it's there

Ready when I need it

Just the thought of it

And my judgement waivers

Blue magic feeds my mind

As well as satisfies my body

It makes me shiver and quiver

And beg for more

Blue magic...

what to do...

This whole thing is crazy
Told my self that I would not be back here again
Energy on the unsure
I’m trying to escape
But I feel like I am running in quick sand

Secretly knowing that I don't want it to end
What am I to do?
The more I plan to push back
The more I feel pulled in
Wearing the armor of silence
Hoping that it will make it all go away
While wishing that I had the courage to lay it all on the table
Instead of hiding behind my pen
And allowing it to speak for me

i do it to myself...

Sometimes in life the last person you want to listen to is yourself
I am my own worst enemy and my biggest critic
I predict a flood before the storm even happens
I let put on blinders even though the evidence is right in front me
I set goals, but remain indecisive
I cover my fear with ice
To try to ward off the damage
My head knows what I should do
But I sometimes fall victim to my heart
I continue to put my hand on a hot stove
Hoping that maybe the heat would have cooled down a little

so what should i say?

Should I say
That my mouth says many things
But my heart holds the truth
Should I say
That I am constantly reaching out to grab hold of something solid
Because I feel myself slipping
And that I am afraid of what will follow…
A hard fall
Should I say
That I don’t like feeling like I am not in control
And that I sometimes long to be the ice princess again
Uncaring, unmoved, and just numb
Should I say
That I wish that I was as courageous as I came off
Should I say that despite the good and that bad that might await me
That I have no regrets?
What should I say?
What could I say?
That would make things clearer
That would make decisions easier
And that would make the ending results better...

favorite bad habit

I sit up and wait for it

My favorite bad habit
Midnight, five in the morning, or three in the afternoon
I can still remember the first time that I got a wiff of you
You left me dizzy
I just have to have a taste
I break out in late night sweats
At the thought if you

My favorite bad habit

I gotta get my fix

Anyway possible

Lick my lips

Longing for a little taste
You are one bad habit
That leaves me feeling so good
I know I need to get to rehab
Before my want for you
Becomes a need
I try to find replacements
For my addiction
But I only find a temporary satisfaction
And fade to back to black
And wait for another hit
Of you…

never better

Is it going to ever be better?
That’s what I have to ask myself
Maybe I am just wasting my time
And I am living in some fantasy world
Thinking things would be different
Better…
In the midst of my realism
I try to remain hopeful
Continue to be led by optimism
Only to be hit by reality
Time and time again
Stuck between being my biggest supporter
And being the first one to rain on my own parade
Trying to resist the urge to lay down
On the tracks
Of pessimism
And just
*sigh*
Give up

Don't Blame Life

We always blame our hardships on life
Life’s too hard
Life’s too complicated
Life does not want to cooperate
But sometimes we have to step back and take the blame
Life gave us all of the signs that it was a bad idea to begin with
But we over powered life and did it anyway
Even though we knew it would be easier to pick the one
Who looked at you with stars in his eyes
And saw only you
Because you were his first, second, and third choice
But you are stuck on the one
Who sees you as one of many
And wouldn’t miss you if you walked away
You ignore life’s clues and stand strong anyway
Determined to stick it out
Even though you know it would be easier to wave your white flag
And turn to the one that is less of a challenge
You remain stubborn
And refuse to let life win

You call it protecting your heart
But as much as you try to deny it
You are becoming what you dread most
The wall you have placed up
Has made you kind of cold
And has turned you almost uncaring
All you wanted to do was protect your heart
Because you remember how long
It took to put it back together the last time
So as soon as you feel
Someone pulling at it again
You put your guard up
Allow yourself to tease and flirt a little
While guiltlessly dropping false promises along the way
Because the idea of missing someone is too much to bare
And the thought of someone missing you back is unimaginable
You try to lose yourself in the idea of unattached freedom
But find yourself living in a numb prison

like bees to honey...

Its okay
I totally understand
It’s nothing personal
Everything is copasetic
Just another bee drawn to my honey
But I admittedly got stung once
So now I keep ‘em at wings length
And let ‘em get a wiff
Don’t get upset
Don’t make excuses
You do you and
I’ll do me
And when our paths cross
Maybe just maybe we’ll do each other
I’m not sweating you because
I am not clueless
And neither are you
You know how I am
And you think you know what I can do
But why should I give you priority perks
While you only give me option time
I was caught up for a little bit but
I am not totally blinded yet
I know that I am not the only hive keeping your belly full

hard place

Stuck between a rock, a hard place
And two walls
With no doors or windows
No where to hide from it
It creeps into my dreams
And plays on my radio

it has too much power and too much control
I try to out run it at the gym
But it lives in my ipod
It escapes through my fingers
Turning hidden truth to inescapable words
That are laid out right in front of me
They reveal hidden meanings
Stuck between a rock, a hard place
And two walls
With no doors or windows
No where to hide from it

losing hand

they say that it is a losing game
no one never really wins
and that it’s a very bad bet
some can’t catch on to the rules
some cheat
and some just have bad luck
or could it be that only for me it is an unwinnable match
that I set myself up to lose at
every time
because I knowingly sit down at the table
with the same type of players over and over again
I used to hope for a tie
so that there were no winners or losers
but maybe it’s time I fold
i never seem to know what to do once i am in the middle of a hand
i should just walk away and quit
gather what winnings I have
and just live off of those for a while

paul revere

Never thought that I’d be back here
You ride into town on your high horse
Like you are the city’s long lost son
Who has returned home
Standing on my door step unannounced
All smiles with your hands full of treasures
Like nothing ever happened
Say that you’ve learned your lesson
And things will be better the second time around
But what you don’t know is
That I saw you coming from a mile away
Nervous that you were losing your grip
Promises of love, honesty, and security rushed from your lips
I heard that you found that the grass

wasn’t greener on the other side
You claim that you are over your issues
And the distance between us will only exist on a map
But I need you to do both of us a favor
Direct your promises at someone else
Because you and I both know
That I will only be a distraction
Until someone else comes along and catches your eye
And you’ll climb back on your high horse

and ride off into to the sunset
Only to leave your dust behind

new door

they say that you get what you are looking for
when you aren't looking
and when you least expect it
i certainly wasn't looking for this
i stand in front of a new door
open in front of me
not quite sure what to do
i want to enter it
run through with full force
but i am still afraid
of what waits for me on the other side
will the grass be greener?
will it welcome me?
will it want me?
or am i just fooling myself to think that
this new door was open just for me?

this is it

if this is it
if this is all that i get
all that i am promised
let me know
so that i can remember every moment
savor every minute
don't stretch it out longer
than you had planned
if this is it
if this is all that i get
all that i am guaranteed
grant me one request
don't pull back too quickly
because then i won't remember
what was
but not too slowly either
because it might be too hard for me to let go
if this is it
if this is all that i get
because i have met my expiration date
don't make promises that we both know you won't keep
because i knew how it was from the jump
but i allowed myself to get swept up in
the what could be

if this it

if this is all that i get

i knew it from the start