smoke & mirrors

For some reason people think
That I have my stuff together
And I hate to disappoint folks
But…
I am one mixed up individual
I hate it when people ask me
What I plan to do after I get out of school
Most of the time I make some crap up
Because I really do not know
My mind changes like the time
I don’t understand why people
Turn to me for advice
When I barely know
What the heck is going on in my own life
One step forward
Just to end up taking two steps back
And it seriously
Makes me chuckle inside
When I get complimented on the way
I handle men
Now that is the biggest joke ever
Because there is no handling going on
I would never say that I have bad taste in men
Because for the most part
The guys that I am drawn to have all been great
Except
The actual follow through process
Always seems to fall short
And I seem to be a repeat offender
Of wondering
What could I have done differently
I often wonder what people see
When they look at me
I should call myself
An illusionist
And become a great magician
Because I have mastered
A role
That I struggle with maintaining
There is a lot about me
That people
Not even the ones that I live
With don’t see
The dark days
The lowest of low days
I regret the day that I was told
By my mother
That she expects the most out of me
Because that was the day
I truly felt the weight
Of the world on my shoulders
The burden of perfection
A part of me really wants
To do something irresponsible
So I can release some of the pressure
That I place on myself
Facing me every day…
I have it ALL figured out alright…